6 months ago I met a guy from Tinder who gave me some back-handed compliments about my looks and my age. (See Tinder Part 1 here – https://nataliemspeakman.com/2021/07/29/tinder-date/)
As a result, I made a declaration to embrace myself as a 44-year-old woman.
I shared an authentic-not-airbrushed selfie. (See above.)
I got a lot of wonderful support from you all.
But there was a part of the story I didn’t tell you, that I want to bring to light now.
I slept with him, the Tinder guy.
After the things that he said.
It wasn’t because he pressured me or anything like that.
It wasn’t even because I was really turned on.
Mainly, it was because it was just easier than saying No and having an awkward moment.
I sold out my integrity and truth to compliance and convenience after he gave me the compliment: “I bet you were pretty 20 years ago.”
I laughed it off and said Ouch, but I felt a knife in my heart and a sinking in my gut. 🔪💔
I swallowed it down and acted as if it didn’t hurt too much.
And then later on we had sex.
I didn’t share this part of the story for two reasons.
First and most important, because it wasn’t relevant to the main idea about owning my age in the original story and I didn’t want to distract from the message.
But also because I was afraid of what you would think of me.
Yes, you, a likely stranger from the internet: I care what you think.
I lied by omission because of fear of your judgment.
I wanted to control and manipulate your perception of me.
Do you see the theme here?
I cared more about the Tinder guy’s opinion of me, and what you would think of me, than about my own opinions.
So I omitted the fact that I slept with the Tinder guy because I was afraid you would judge me as weak. Pathetic. Desperate. And that you wouldn’t like and accept me.
The truth is, everyone is not going to like me.
People will judge me.
Some people will think or say I’m a slut.
Some people will say I’m seeking attention and validation, or any number of other possibilities.
And I have no control whatsoever over your opinions, judgments, or attitudes.
So I will no longer try to control others’ perceptions of me just so I can feel ok about myself.
I will do my best to stop trying to reverse engineer self-acceptance by manipulating it out of others.
I will no longer comply out of convenience to avoid an awkward or painful moment.
I will stop rejecting and betraying myself.
Why am I coming out with this now?
One, to act in integrity and speak my Truth💥
Two, because I know I’m not alone in this.
I know I’m not the first person to discover that a life of compliance is easier in the short term, but is deeply damaging in the long term, or to realize that every time I ignore my inner compass of Yes and No it is an act of self-betrayal.
So this is for you, the one reading this, who can relate to every word but thought they were alone.
Who can relate to living a life of compliance, selling out integrity for validation – in any area.
Or who can relate to trying to reverse engineer self-love.
It started in childhood: Little Natalie lost her No when she learned that it was safer and easier to stay quiet and say yes.
When she learned love, acceptance, and approval were only given as a result of obeying others.
This led to a life of suppressing my internal compass of Yes and No.
And that’s when living out of integrity began.
I learned to say yes because it’s what was expected or what someone else wanted when:
I said Yes to staying with a family member out of obligation.
I said Yes to helping someone when I was already spread thin.
I said Yes to a fee for my coaching that felt too low.
And of course, when I silenced my inner NO-ing and chose to have sex with the Tinder guy.
I’m happy to say that I’ve come a long way since that night last February and, of course, still have far to go.
But I’m learning my Truth. My Yes and my No.🗣
And to honor that, regardless of the outcome.
My truth is that this is me: fucked up, flawed, and fabulous all at the same time.
At the end of the day, I have to live with myself, and this is the most important relationship I have.
Are you ready to step into the power of your true Yes and No? If not now, when?
Where in my life am I living in a Yes but know deep down I am a No and I am selling myself out day after day because it’s easier?
Also ponder the reverse: Where am I denying something that is actually what I do want?
Maybe there’s an opportunity that feels like a Yes but fear keeps you saying No.
Maybe it is a new job, a new lover, or a new course of study that your inner guidance is saying Yes to but you are denying yourself out of unworthiness or perceived limitations.
It can look either way, but the result is the same – living a life out of integrity with your Truth causes pain.😞
What truths do you need to tell today, first of all to yourself? Never mind anyone else.
Reach out if you’re ready to excavate your truth and step into it.
Welcome to the relief and freedom of living in your true yes and no. 🤩🌈🏙